GOODBYE 2009

Roller-freaking-coaster.

My expectations for 2009 definitely didn't end up going exactly as I was anticipating it at the end of 2008. However, I have grown so much from the challenges that I was forced to face this year.

Cheers to 2009 for being a big kick in the heart, mind and ego. I have never experienced so many different emotions than I felt this year; sometimes a combination of emotions all at once. I'm stronger now than I have been in a long time, thanks to God, prayers, family and friends. The year has gone by so fast, yet at the same time, soooo slow. I guess that shows for the consistent highs and lows that I went through.

Nothing lasts forever. This happens to everyone, I know that. Thankfully, I was able to overcome the awkwardness and everything that came with the change that we were forced to adapt to. And thankfully we didn't lose out completely because that would've been a terrible end to the story. I was blessed to have a wonderful backbone to help me get through the rough patches along the way. When I finally came to my senses, I realized that everything happens for a reason. We live and we learn from the things that happen to us.. shit happens, but life must go on. And life did go on. For a few months, I questioned myself - how and why things happened the way they did and what I did wrong in everything and what I could've done better. But then I realized that what happened, happened. There was no room to regret the past. And it still haunts me to this day, knowing I could've done things differently and maybe the year wouldn't have occurred the way it did. Now, I've learned to be less attached and work with my emotions better. So, hopefully I can finally be at complete peace and have my mind and heart finally meet halfway.

Amidst all that, I was able to make new friends, rekindle with old ones, and get closer to the ones that were there all along. I learned that "friendship isn't being inseparable. It's being separated and knowing that nothing will change". To the people who felt like family from the first few times we hung out, to those who took a while warm up to me, to the ones who eventually grew to love, and to those who were there throughout everything, not only this year, but from previous years too, thank you thank you thank you!!! Great friendships were created this year; some I would have never thought would happen, but from what I've learned, you just never know! Expect the unexpected, for real. And as easily as I gained people in my life, I also lost people that were once very special to me. Most importantly, Mama Naty passed away this year. I didn't even get a chance to say goodbye in person because of exams and that hurt a lot. Another thing was having no choice but to lose touch with certain people because of the circumstances - that sucked, obviously. And one other thing was losing certain people because it was just supposed to happen that way. I can't please everyone and not everyone can please me. This year was definitely an eye opener, shoot! Getting rid of negative aura was one of the best things I did this year, no doubt.

Big accomplishment! Hello, graduating class of June 2009. Thankfully, I was able to graduate from UofT with my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology and Health Studies. Obviously my parents were proud and I felt a great sense of pride and accomplishment myself. Although I haven't found a permanent job or career yet, I've graduated and that's all that matters for now. And I'm going to start that hunt once I get back from the Philippines in May. Speaking of work, Old Navy has become a second home towards the end of the year - literally being there 6, sometimes 7 days a week. Good thing I have some of the best coworkers and managers, lol!

Another big thing about 2009 was being able to travel and make up for the lack of of it in 2008. In February for Reading Week, we stayed overnight in Niagara Falls; in May, we went on a weekend getaway to Chicago; also in May, we went for a birthday weekend in Carriage Hills in Barrie; in June, we spent a week with Anthony in Halifax; in July, we tanned like crazy in Veradero, Cuba; and in August, we went to New York City! Different people, always unforgettable adventures!

So 2009 most definitely was a 365 day-long roller coaster ride. Every day was a new adventure. Some days I never wanted to end and some days I never wanted to face. And with it all, I survived! I'm still standing. I will take with me all the experiences, advice and memories and roll with the punches and embrace change for 2010. I'm ready, world!

You know this.
Love, me.

oh my, how time flies.

It's been over a month since I've updated and looking back at my last entry, it feels good to say that I've been able to do almost 100% of the things I wanted to do in August and more! It was def a very productive month and I was very very busy!

Now things have simmered down because mostly everyone's back in school. I've been using this time to work and make up for all the $$$ I spent during the summer. I've been taking people's shifts like you wouldn't believe but I gotta do what I gotta do.

I still haven't started looking for jobs and I really gotta get on that soon. Once I fix up my resume, I should be good to go. However, I kinda wish I could live the "part-time but almost full-time retail job life" for a little longer. It's fun. Tiring as hell, but fun nonetheless. I guess I'm not ready to fully grow up yet *sigh.

With most of my friends going back to school, it's a little bittersweet that I'm done. The start of the school year also made my revert back to some bad memories and hurtful thoughts. I guess it made it harder that I was thinking about a lot of good times that I really can't go back to. Things haven't been going my way, regardless of what it may have seemed like for the past few months. I wish I could have my cake and eat it, too. But apparently that's not possible. At least not for me.

I've also realized from my volunteering at the SDC that I need to start listening to my own advice. I've been giving pretty good advice about love and losing and relationships and it seems that I've been able to help people through the phones. I just don't understand why I can't suck it up and listen to my own words.

On Facebook, one of my old friends posted this thing on her status, a famous Marilyn Monroe quote, and I wish I could print this out, blow it up and just force myself to understand and accept these words.

"BELIEVE THAT EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
PEOPLE CHANGE SO THAT YOU CAN LEARN TO LET GO.
THINGS GO WRONG SO THAT YOU APPRECIATE THEM WHEN THEY'RE RIGHT.
YOU BELIEVE LIES SO YOU EVENTUALLY LEARN TO TRUST NO ONE BUT YOURSELF.
& SOMETIMES, GOOD THINGS FALL APART SO BETTER THINGS CAN FALL TOGETHER."

Faith & hope, always.

Live.

I swear I can't keep up with this blogging business. Sorry!
I thought I could do it like I used to back in highschool, but it isn't the same.

I had a wicked 22nd birthday. Thank you to everyone who helped make it memorable.
Cuba was amazing, as expected.
But now I'm back to reality.
How fun

Digging up for old school songs is the best.
It's funny how songs that used to mean nothing can mean everything now.
Have you ever felt like a song seemed like it was written for you?
Damn, Monica has reminded me why she is 1/3 of my favourite female RnB singers.

It's already August!! There is so much to do still but I don't know where
I'm going to find money to pay for everything I want to do.

Things to do before August ends (in no particular order)
- Jack & Jill
- Wonderland (I still have to activate my seasons pass!)
- CNE / CNE Casino
- Taste of the Danforth
- Drinking / Lazy Nights
- Lunch/Dinner/Clubbing with my UofT girls
- Sleepovers
- Flip cup tournament
- Dare Night
- Beach / Bonfire
- Fancy dinner night with the girls
- Montreal
- Cottage / Camping for Geli's birthday

AH!!!!!! Let's see how this goes.
Between all of that, I'm still hoping to get more shifts at work,
considering the fact I haven't worked for three weeks and the only thing holding me up
financially is the money I've been receiving from my birthday, laaaame.
Also, my bishop uncle is coming next Monday,
my other uncle is coming next week too,
Anthony's coming home, and Isay's back from the Philippines next week.

Oh.. My.. Gosh. (yn)

Sunset.

Marques Houston's song, Sunset, has been out for a long time but it seems like everyone's making covers for it in an overflow right now. So taunting, I swear.
I remember first hearing this song.. def didn't mean the same thing it does to me now.
It's one of those.. "damn this is all me" songs. Bah.

VJ & Charissa's (aka Boom Boom & Chaboy!) wedding was on Friday.
Like we kept saying, we're getting old!
We used to go to debuts, now we're going to weddings.
Everyone looked so beautiful and it was def so so SO good to see everyone.
It's great how even though we hardly see each other, when we do, we just jump right back into the same old thing.
Same old us, same good times and same cherished moments.
We're all doing our own thing but when it comes down to it, we still got each other.
I've been pretty emotional the past few days due to a little visit from my supposed-to-be monthly friend (LOL).. so excuse me if I sound like I'm dragging a pile of tissues along for the ride.

Some people will never understand how much my friends mean to me.
I cherish you guys soooo much
and for the ones I can truly still call my friends, thank you.
Whether we've been friends for 10 years or 3 months or whatever in between, you have made such a big impact on my life and for that I am forever grateful.
Such wise words, such simple acknowledgments, such love.

But always beware.
There will always be people who will try to take advantage of you.
It's happened to me a handful of times in my past.
They take my kindness for weakness.
Just remember, I can always forgive but I will not ever forget.
I will always be able to forgive you for hurting me but sorry,
I can never forget the hurt.
I'll be able to move forward and maybe we can start over
but with my good memory comes remembering every little scrapping detail.
Sorry.

Kyle, your blog the other day touched me soo hard.
I hope you don't mind me sharing with the world your beautiful words.
You've given me some of the best advice.. here's your own personal shout out.
Thank you.
[I realized that important people in our lives come and go. I experience this all the time. Things always seem to be "so" perfect, but in the end, they are always the ones walking away from you... You live, you learn and you progress... You accept what just happened and you commit yourself to avoid doing the things you use to do, so that you can become a better person...
"Accept, Understand, Learn and Progress."]

On a happier note, it's my birthday tomorrow, bitches!
Today I woke up thinking about my birthday last year.
Almost one year later, SO much has changed.
Damn life with it's curveballs and mysteries.

Frig, we're getting old.

So tomorrow is VJ & Charissa's wedding.
My first set of friends getting married which is def making me feel old.
First graduating from university, now friends getting married..
and next Tuesday I turn the big 2-2!!!!
SHIT! Life is just speeeding right now.. where are the damn brakes?

Can't wait to see everyone all dolled up tomorrow;
it's def been too long since we've ALL seen each other.
Annnd obvi, a shitload has changed but I'm still excited, regardless.

Timmies talk with Marv and Mare last night about our "primes".
It really sucks how all our primes were in highschool,
and we are all starting to feel the decline.. ALREADY?!
We suck at this game hahaha
We gotta revamp ourselves, for sure.
We're not even out in the real world yet! Omfg.

..which reminds me!
Once I get back from Cuba, I def gotta get on that job search tip.
FML.

On another note, last Friday was too much to handle.
Apparently I had a blaaaast and I remember having a wicked time.
It was def a bittersweet day, for those who know.
But good thing I was surrounded with family and friends
who let me celebrate my birthday (part 1!) with a bang!!!!

Sidenote: If I could change one thing about my body, it would be my legs
hate hate haate my legs *angry face*
mommy and daddy, why'd you have to create these legs guuuuuy

peace and love.

Bittersweet.

Be prepared for curveballs to be thrown at you, every day of your life.

This is so bittersweet - moments like this.
If only I could blog everything that's going through my head right now...
but if I tried, the words that come out and the sentences I'd create would look like an impossible algebraic expression that no one would have an answer to.

I'm so happy yet so sad.
So ready to push even when a part of me is pulling back so hard.
Things will never be the same, obvi.

(Friday will def be bittersweet. so so SO bittersweet)

Back at it.

I'm back!
I know it's been a looong time and I failed on my "blogging everyday" tip.
But I'll try to get back to this regularly starting... now.

So, things have been changing like mad lately, good and bad, I guess.
For the most part, I just gotta suck it up and live my life.
And if you know me, that's what I'm doing.

$$$ life isn't so swell, but I'm surviving.
Job life needs to pick up, I still gotta get on that.. changing my availability for more hours (LOL)
Fam life is good; can't remember the last time we got into a fight or bickering (y)
Friend life is good as well; can't complain but obvi there's some things I wish could go my way. But now isn't a time to be greedy. I know that.

So you gotta take the good with the bad, happy and the sad
So I'll bring a better future than I had in the past
Oh 'cause I don't wanna make the same mistakes I did
I don't wanna fall back on my face again
- Keri Hilson

Still trying to live life with no regrets, but it's hard as hell, you know?
I don't regret my past, obvi, I loved it.
But hopefully in the future, I'll be able to right my wrongs.
Push forward, that's what I'm doing; it's all I can do.
push push push

On another note, I'm pretty sure I'm too nice for my own good.
Yes, I can be a bitch and I may look like one, but trust me, I'm way too nice.
Everyone deserves a second chance right?
But what if that second chance turns into a third, fourth, or more?
Never let anyone take advantage of your kindness like I have.
Stop trying to make everyone happy..
because you'll just end up making yourself feel miserable.
Trust me.

Pray for happiness.
Always.

This should take time.

It should take time, and I understand I tried rushing things
and we got thrown into a situation that quickly became an awkward one
and maybe a very bad idea.

I never want/wanted you to be just another face from my past.
I still want to know you, know about you, hear from you and be your friend,
at least.

No one on this frigging earth is perfect, we know that.
I've had my share of screw ups and I won't deny it.
I'm doing me, but no one should expect me to forget you entirely.
No one should expect me to not think about you.
I think I'd be a cold hearted bitch if I suddenly stopped thinking of you,
if I stopped worrying about you, or caring about you,
wondering if you were okay, how your day was.. etc etc.
This should take time, right?

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting" - Dixie Chicks

I'm still waiting. Not waiting as in I'm giving myself false hope;
waiting, as in waiting to evolve into that better person,
or at least waiting for what God will throw at me next, forever hoping
that it is something just as good or even better than before.

In other news, another segment of my life is coming to a close.
Graduation is coming up quickly,
but why am I not as excited as I should be?
Maybe one of these days, real soon, I'll be hit with reality.
I'm done, bitches! June 10. Let's go.

If hell were a place on Earth...

that's where I've been roaming around for the past few weeks.
But there's nothing that can change what has happened,
so I need to move forward.

Everything happens for a reason.
I seriously need to start truly truly believing this.
God will help me through this, right?
Our lives are in His hands and I just gotta wait it out.
God, help me: I need you now more than ever.

There are so many people caring about me and
I'm so thankful that I have such a wonderful support system.
Days and nights have been up and down, literally like a rollercoaster
and I'm feeling pretty nauseated to this day.

I'm not depressed, but I'm sad.
I'm not delusional, but I tend to overthink things.
I'm not going to break down, but I will cry.

I've got to keep my head up, like they're all telling me to do.
Keeping myself busy is probably the best thing I can do.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Now.

Whoops.

Emotional baggage.
Sorry for the splurs and quick emotional reflexes.
I'm not a terrible person, I swear it.
Everything is just piling, and piling, and piling.

Note to self: Be strong, bitch.

FML.

anger and frustration to a next level.

seriously wishing i was somewhere else right now.
so, all my "stupid, unrealistic, it-would-never-happen" thoughts
are quickly becoming reality...
or so i think.
damnit, why do i have to think so much? why God why!?
(ha, there goes my saying... NEVER SAY NEVER)

i guess only your words will prove me right or wrong.

female's friggin intuition. love it. but hate it more.

you don't eeeeeven understand.
you probably never will.
unless the tables were turned.

FML.

I AM learning to be on my own.
I AM learning not to be so dependent on you.
I AM learning to love myself all over again.
I AM learning to not mope around all day.
I AM learning to be strong.

But does that mean ..
I can't miss you?
I can't miss us?
I can't still want to be with you?
...because I do.

Maybe you don't see the progress I have been making.
But it's there. I know it.
I hope one day you see that I can be good on my own AND with you.

It's over..

MY UNDERGRAD AT UTSC, that is.

I can't believe I just had my last exam tonight.
Really really really hoping I passed all my classes,
to ensure that I can graduate in June.
Imagine I was missing something or didn't pass something, omg. fail.

It's ironic that at this supposedly really happy time,
deep down I'm feeling the total opposite.
Don't get me wrong, obviously I'm happy with the accomplishments
I've made with my academic life,
(even though I obviously could've done 100x better than I did
Oh well, I'm happy that I was able to finish)
but it sucks because I can't even share this happy time
with the person that's helped me through all my stressful nights
of school work, assignments and exam prep.
I can't fully share this experience with him, the one who pushed me to succeed.
It really sucks, because all I can say to him is "Heyyyyy... I'm doooone"
but I can't get that long and warm hug, that soft, sweet kiss,
or just that comforting voice on the other line
telling me how proud he is of me at this very moment.

My life has really been taken on a whirlwind over the past week.
& my heart has definitely been taking a hard beating.

So God, please help me to push through the days ahead.
I gotta stay strong. For me. For him. and for Him.

Don't Forget.

J.R.A's cover of Demi Lovato's "Don't Forget" just made me melt.
Music makes and breaks me, simple as that.
I'm a sucker for slow jams, soothing voices
and songs with a sentimental story.

Yup, I'm still sappier than a maple tree.
--------------

"But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it"

P.U.S.H

Pray until something happens.
Pray until something happens.
Pray until something happens.

I'm praying. And praying. And praying some more.

I'm trying really hard to stay strong and to put together all the puzzle pieces floating around in my mind.

My left hand is really missing something, badly.
='(

Keep the hope alive.

It's the end of day two and I'm still as confused as ever, because I still don't fully understand what's going on and why it's happening.
But I'm getting there.
And thankfully, I'm getting some answers and realizing some things on my own and with his and His help.
And it's about time, after almost four full years, that I do some soul searching and have some alone time to figure out who I even am as a person.

Nobody has ever made me as happy as he has made me through these years.
But I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies.
When have you ever heard of a perfect relationship?
I used to think it was possible, but we must always be ready for a challenge.
And this is a challenge I'm willing to fight through.. and win.

This time away, although it's only been two days, has already helped me to see what I had, what I took for granted and what I need to work on to make that relationship we had work.
And it's giving me the urgency to do right, what I've done wrong.
I'm doing this not just so we can live our lives being "happy".. because he's right, we weren't fully happy anymore.

I want to be really happy like we were before.
I want to be able to give my everything and not second guess things I do or say, or second guess what he does or says.
I want to give wholeheartedly and I want to forever feel the butterflies that we once both felt.
I want to keep him on his toes and always wanting more new and exciting things.
I want the spark. The magic.
-----------------------------------------------

On another note, Adam Lambert's rendition of
"If I Can't Have You" was insanely wicked.
I probably boosted it even more because
I related to the emotion and the pain in his voice.
And the song sun that way just made the words mean that much more.

Trey Songz & Boyz II Men said it best..

"It ain't fresh, to just let him call the shots
You're a QUEEN, you should be, getting all that someone's got...
You're worth much more than an occassional "I Love You", "I'm thinking of you"

"Sometimes what may be the best thing for you to do
Sometimes that's the hardest thing for you to do
And that, that's real you know, because I know I love you
I know how I feel about you
But I also know that don't make everything alright"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks..

I've been wanting to get on this blogging tip again for the longest time but I never took the time to make it. It's funny because I've had this account since last March, yet this is my first official blog.

This will indefinitely be my place to vent and let out everything I need to let out...
so beware.
No censorship, no boundaries.. all me.
--------------------------

So, this is day one, or the end of it, at least.
My mind has been working overtime for the past 28 hours.
I've been let down, shut down, hurt and feeling all alone but ironically enough, I feel so strongly about this.

I know now that we must cherish each day and to never take anything or anyone for granted because you never know when that thing or person will be taken away from you. And in a blink of an eye, your whole world can be turned upside down.

This first day has been filled with a river of tears, mostly because I'm afraid to let go and I'm afraid to see further down the road.
I always thought I was certain about how I felt about you, and I think I still am.
But now that we have decided to take this time apart to figure things out on our own, I am truly grateful that you are a strong enough man to allow for us to go through this, this way.

I never believed in breaks, or breaking up to make up.
But I should've lived by my favourite line....... Never say never.
There will always be times when you will change your mind about something and down the road you'll realize that it was for the better.
I'm just praying to God that this healthy break will lead us back together.

I'm willing to invest all the time and energy needed to make this work.
No regrets, no takebacks.. I want to figure out what I need and what I truly truly want.
Let's see where this takes us.

Time and space.
Time and space.
Time and space.

Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.