I AM learning to be on my own.
I AM learning not to be so dependent on you.
I AM learning to love myself all over again.
I AM learning to not mope around all day.
I AM learning to be strong.

But does that mean ..
I can't miss you?
I can't miss us?
I can't still want to be with you?
...because I do.

Maybe you don't see the progress I have been making.
But it's there. I know it.
I hope one day you see that I can be good on my own AND with you.

It's over..

MY UNDERGRAD AT UTSC, that is.

I can't believe I just had my last exam tonight.
Really really really hoping I passed all my classes,
to ensure that I can graduate in June.
Imagine I was missing something or didn't pass something, omg. fail.

It's ironic that at this supposedly really happy time,
deep down I'm feeling the total opposite.
Don't get me wrong, obviously I'm happy with the accomplishments
I've made with my academic life,
(even though I obviously could've done 100x better than I did
Oh well, I'm happy that I was able to finish)
but it sucks because I can't even share this happy time
with the person that's helped me through all my stressful nights
of school work, assignments and exam prep.
I can't fully share this experience with him, the one who pushed me to succeed.
It really sucks, because all I can say to him is "Heyyyyy... I'm doooone"
but I can't get that long and warm hug, that soft, sweet kiss,
or just that comforting voice on the other line
telling me how proud he is of me at this very moment.

My life has really been taken on a whirlwind over the past week.
& my heart has definitely been taking a hard beating.

So God, please help me to push through the days ahead.
I gotta stay strong. For me. For him. and for Him.

Don't Forget.

J.R.A's cover of Demi Lovato's "Don't Forget" just made me melt.
Music makes and breaks me, simple as that.
I'm a sucker for slow jams, soothing voices
and songs with a sentimental story.

Yup, I'm still sappier than a maple tree.
--------------

"But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it"

P.U.S.H

Pray until something happens.
Pray until something happens.
Pray until something happens.

I'm praying. And praying. And praying some more.

I'm trying really hard to stay strong and to put together all the puzzle pieces floating around in my mind.

My left hand is really missing something, badly.
='(

Keep the hope alive.

It's the end of day two and I'm still as confused as ever, because I still don't fully understand what's going on and why it's happening.
But I'm getting there.
And thankfully, I'm getting some answers and realizing some things on my own and with his and His help.
And it's about time, after almost four full years, that I do some soul searching and have some alone time to figure out who I even am as a person.

Nobody has ever made me as happy as he has made me through these years.
But I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't always rainbows and butterflies.
When have you ever heard of a perfect relationship?
I used to think it was possible, but we must always be ready for a challenge.
And this is a challenge I'm willing to fight through.. and win.

This time away, although it's only been two days, has already helped me to see what I had, what I took for granted and what I need to work on to make that relationship we had work.
And it's giving me the urgency to do right, what I've done wrong.
I'm doing this not just so we can live our lives being "happy".. because he's right, we weren't fully happy anymore.

I want to be really happy like we were before.
I want to be able to give my everything and not second guess things I do or say, or second guess what he does or says.
I want to give wholeheartedly and I want to forever feel the butterflies that we once both felt.
I want to keep him on his toes and always wanting more new and exciting things.
I want the spark. The magic.
-----------------------------------------------

On another note, Adam Lambert's rendition of
"If I Can't Have You" was insanely wicked.
I probably boosted it even more because
I related to the emotion and the pain in his voice.
And the song sun that way just made the words mean that much more.

Trey Songz & Boyz II Men said it best..

"It ain't fresh, to just let him call the shots
You're a QUEEN, you should be, getting all that someone's got...
You're worth much more than an occassional "I Love You", "I'm thinking of you"

"Sometimes what may be the best thing for you to do
Sometimes that's the hardest thing for you to do
And that, that's real you know, because I know I love you
I know how I feel about you
But I also know that don't make everything alright"

And it hit me like a ton of bricks..

I've been wanting to get on this blogging tip again for the longest time but I never took the time to make it. It's funny because I've had this account since last March, yet this is my first official blog.

This will indefinitely be my place to vent and let out everything I need to let out...
so beware.
No censorship, no boundaries.. all me.
--------------------------

So, this is day one, or the end of it, at least.
My mind has been working overtime for the past 28 hours.
I've been let down, shut down, hurt and feeling all alone but ironically enough, I feel so strongly about this.

I know now that we must cherish each day and to never take anything or anyone for granted because you never know when that thing or person will be taken away from you. And in a blink of an eye, your whole world can be turned upside down.

This first day has been filled with a river of tears, mostly because I'm afraid to let go and I'm afraid to see further down the road.
I always thought I was certain about how I felt about you, and I think I still am.
But now that we have decided to take this time apart to figure things out on our own, I am truly grateful that you are a strong enough man to allow for us to go through this, this way.

I never believed in breaks, or breaking up to make up.
But I should've lived by my favourite line....... Never say never.
There will always be times when you will change your mind about something and down the road you'll realize that it was for the better.
I'm just praying to God that this healthy break will lead us back together.

I'm willing to invest all the time and energy needed to make this work.
No regrets, no takebacks.. I want to figure out what I need and what I truly truly want.
Let's see where this takes us.

Time and space.
Time and space.
Time and space.

Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.
Everything happens for a reason.