This should take time.

It should take time, and I understand I tried rushing things
and we got thrown into a situation that quickly became an awkward one
and maybe a very bad idea.

I never want/wanted you to be just another face from my past.
I still want to know you, know about you, hear from you and be your friend,
at least.

No one on this frigging earth is perfect, we know that.
I've had my share of screw ups and I won't deny it.
I'm doing me, but no one should expect me to forget you entirely.
No one should expect me to not think about you.
I think I'd be a cold hearted bitch if I suddenly stopped thinking of you,
if I stopped worrying about you, or caring about you,
wondering if you were okay, how your day was.. etc etc.
This should take time, right?

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting" - Dixie Chicks

I'm still waiting. Not waiting as in I'm giving myself false hope;
waiting, as in waiting to evolve into that better person,
or at least waiting for what God will throw at me next, forever hoping
that it is something just as good or even better than before.

In other news, another segment of my life is coming to a close.
Graduation is coming up quickly,
but why am I not as excited as I should be?
Maybe one of these days, real soon, I'll be hit with reality.
I'm done, bitches! June 10. Let's go.

If hell were a place on Earth...

that's where I've been roaming around for the past few weeks.
But there's nothing that can change what has happened,
so I need to move forward.

Everything happens for a reason.
I seriously need to start truly truly believing this.
God will help me through this, right?
Our lives are in His hands and I just gotta wait it out.
God, help me: I need you now more than ever.

There are so many people caring about me and
I'm so thankful that I have such a wonderful support system.
Days and nights have been up and down, literally like a rollercoaster
and I'm feeling pretty nauseated to this day.

I'm not depressed, but I'm sad.
I'm not delusional, but I tend to overthink things.
I'm not going to break down, but I will cry.

I've got to keep my head up, like they're all telling me to do.
Keeping myself busy is probably the best thing I can do.

I need to stop feeling sorry for myself. Now.

Whoops.

Emotional baggage.
Sorry for the splurs and quick emotional reflexes.
I'm not a terrible person, I swear it.
Everything is just piling, and piling, and piling.

Note to self: Be strong, bitch.

FML.

anger and frustration to a next level.

seriously wishing i was somewhere else right now.
so, all my "stupid, unrealistic, it-would-never-happen" thoughts
are quickly becoming reality...
or so i think.
damnit, why do i have to think so much? why God why!?
(ha, there goes my saying... NEVER SAY NEVER)

i guess only your words will prove me right or wrong.

female's friggin intuition. love it. but hate it more.

you don't eeeeeven understand.
you probably never will.
unless the tables were turned.

FML.

I AM learning to be on my own.
I AM learning not to be so dependent on you.
I AM learning to love myself all over again.
I AM learning to not mope around all day.
I AM learning to be strong.

But does that mean ..
I can't miss you?
I can't miss us?
I can't still want to be with you?
...because I do.

Maybe you don't see the progress I have been making.
But it's there. I know it.
I hope one day you see that I can be good on my own AND with you.

It's over..

MY UNDERGRAD AT UTSC, that is.

I can't believe I just had my last exam tonight.
Really really really hoping I passed all my classes,
to ensure that I can graduate in June.
Imagine I was missing something or didn't pass something, omg. fail.

It's ironic that at this supposedly really happy time,
deep down I'm feeling the total opposite.
Don't get me wrong, obviously I'm happy with the accomplishments
I've made with my academic life,
(even though I obviously could've done 100x better than I did
Oh well, I'm happy that I was able to finish)
but it sucks because I can't even share this happy time
with the person that's helped me through all my stressful nights
of school work, assignments and exam prep.
I can't fully share this experience with him, the one who pushed me to succeed.
It really sucks, because all I can say to him is "Heyyyyy... I'm doooone"
but I can't get that long and warm hug, that soft, sweet kiss,
or just that comforting voice on the other line
telling me how proud he is of me at this very moment.

My life has really been taken on a whirlwind over the past week.
& my heart has definitely been taking a hard beating.

So God, please help me to push through the days ahead.
I gotta stay strong. For me. For him. and for Him.

Don't Forget.

J.R.A's cover of Demi Lovato's "Don't Forget" just made me melt.
Music makes and breaks me, simple as that.
I'm a sucker for slow jams, soothing voices
and songs with a sentimental story.

Yup, I'm still sappier than a maple tree.
--------------

"But somewhere we went wrong
We were once so strong
Our love is like a song
You can't forget it"